Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder appears to continue on and on and on…..My husband who is 6’3′ really strong and violent….I am 5’3″and strong from years of Ballet….Modern Dance and riding Hunter/Jumpers but I am not a not a fighter….but even if I was a fighter I would not be a match for a physical fight with him at all….It still blows me away that a big..strong..mean..tough.. fighting man who had spent time in prison for almost killing a man when he was drunk at a bar….I am not the only one who he want’s to fight and kill when he drinks…

.don’t you think it is weird that a mean prison bully type of man would attack me from behind with out any warning….

He has attacked me while I would lay down and TV….Out of the blue he would slam me on the side of my head or ear drum with out a warning….

a few times I was on the computer planning my store… he would come up from behind and slam me in my head….

One Christmas my daughter Madison had a growth come up on the side of her face….The Dr. suggested we see a Plastic Surgeon Family Friend for the growth to be removed. The Doctor mentioned she was worried it may be Lymphoma…..I was more than concerned and set the appointment immediately….I asked all my other 4 children if we could have our Christmas presents around Valentines Day so Maddie Bear could have this surgery….Of course they were more than fine with this…Everyone was OK with this except my husband….Madison’s surgery went great….the growth was benign and we were all so relieved….we dropped Madison off at her girlfriends with her head wrapped completely up…..she was leaning in my side of the car and asked for $20.00….which made my husband really mad…so he flew off and knocked Madison on the ground….then out of the blue he slammed my face into the console with all his might….

The experience I am about to tell you will be the last one in this post….These beatings are  coming out of the blue have instilled terror that feels so primal and out of control if I hear noices behind me…or hearing fighting of any kind…well I have many triggers that cause a primal panic….This last beating is why it can be very hard for me to feel safe to sleep…

I was sound asleep one night…he was drinking earlier in the day…and left….Thank God…hours went by and it was getting late so I went to sleep….he snuck in quietly and started hitting me as hard as he could in the head….It scared me so deeply that I went to the bathroom in my jammies….my hair was really long at this time…he drug me by my hair throughout my home…kicking me in the ribs…and broke one…at some point he came to and stopped beating me and kicking me….it was winter and around 3am and very cold…at this time he walked me to our barn and made me stand in the barn in freezing temperatures with broken ribs and an accident in my jammies….I begged him to take me to the hospital and that I would lie and tell them I was working my horse very early in the morning over some fences. I told the Drs. and Nurses that my horse Dolche  and I wiped out and I was very hurt….

So with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with every sound behind me or hearing anyone argue I have physical reactions that happen with out me having control….the worst case reactions I have had are accidents in my pants again….and 2-3 times I have gone into a seizure….it can happen when I am asleep if I get scared or have a nightmere….

These are just a few….very few….examples of why I am so afraid of noises and fighting and how my body reacts in situations that scare me